Following on from my last article about the benefits of kindness in the classroom, I want to about something that is linked to kindness – compassion, specifically self-compassion. This article is about developing self-compassion as a teacher and why this is a good idea, before considering what you can do to foster self-compassion and all it’s benefits in the children you teach.
Self-compassion is being kind to yourself, especially when things don’t go well, it involves treating yourself in the same way you would treat a friend.
So, who is it you can turn to when you need help and support, who have you been able to rely on to be there when you needed them?
In answering this question, I wonder if anyone said that one of those you can rely on is yourself? I’m guessing, many of you did not, this is not uncommon. Nor is it uncommon for human beings to act in way towards themselves that we would not expect or accept from a friend.
Dr Russ Harris, author of ‘The Happiness Trap’ and an advocate of the Acceptance and Commitment approach has worked with many people on self-compassion and the basis of this article is informed by his insights.
What is Self-Compassion?
Neff (2003) deconstructs compassion into:
- Mindfulness
- Kindness
- Common humanity
Valdez and Lilly (2016) explain further:
“The central aspect of self-compassion is self-kindness, which involves extending oneself kindness, sensitivity, warmth, empathy and patience during instances of pain and failure, as opposed to being harshly self-critical and judgemental toward oneself…another core component…is mindfulness…lastly, common humanity (which) involves the recognition that one’s experiences, regardless of how painful they might be, are part of the common human experience”.
The Two Friends Exercise
Think about what kind of friend you would want when you are having a tough time. Would it be someone who says ‘what’s the fuss about, get on with it’ or would it be someone who says ‘hey this is tough for you, I understand why you feel the way you do. I’m going to stick with you, trust me I’ve got your back’?
Most people choose the second option. But if I ask what you say to yourself during tough times, which would you choose then? Many people say it’s the first option. If you chose the first option, is this how you would respond to another person in a tough situation? Probably not. Strange really isn’t it?
People often think that being compassioate to yourself, just as you would towards a friend is ‘selfish’ or is a sign of ‘weakness’ for example. Some people even feel that they ‘don’t deserve it’. Other people feel that being hard on themselves keeps them motivated and pushes them on.
If this applies to you, have a think about this…do you have other people to look after? Spouse? Children? Elderly family members? Neighbours? Do you have a job to keep on top of? A house to look after? So tell me…can you drive a car on an empty tank? No you can’t! And the same applies to you. If your tank is empty, you’re not going to get as far as you would on a full tank.
So how can you re-fuel yourself? In response to this lots of people would think about self-care in terms of bubble baths, flickering candles and soft music. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that, but what about being compassionate to yourself? Just as you would towards a friend? Maybe become your own best friend? Hundreds of studies have been done on the benefits of self-compassion and have found positive outcomes in terms of depression, anxiety, stress, eating behaviours, negative emotions (Ferrari et al, 2019) and even trauma (Valdez & Lilly, 2015). Research has also found that self-compassion has been found to increase adaptive responses to failure (Miyagawa et al, 2019).
This isn’t about being selfish or engaging in self-pity, it’s about giving yourself a helping hand.
Being a Friend to Yourself
When your mind starts to critise you, think of it as an overly helpful friend that is trying so hard to help, it gets in your way by telling you ‘you need to do this better’, ‘you need to stop making mistakes’… These thoughts and the feelings associated with them are there to alert you to something that needs your attention. The first thing to do is to notice these thoughts and feelings, then acknoweldge them (‘I am having the thought that…’ and ‘I am feeling…’) without any judgement. Accept what you have noticed; this is all part of being human and other people experience the same at some time or another. Then treat yourself as you would treat a friend; with kindness.
So what does compassion towards your self look like? We are all pushed for time these days, so what I would suggest is finding ways to ‘sprinkle’ kindness towards yourself into your everyday life, think of these as options for pizza toppings!
Possible toppings for your self-compassion pizza:
- Use kind words when talking to yourself
- Remember all the kind things your hands have done for others (e.g. soothed an upset child), then place your hand on, or hover it above, your stomach or chest; lots of people find these areas soothing.
- Self-massage. We hold lots of tension in our bodies, try and relieve some of that tension in your shoulders by giving them a rub.
- Self-tapping. Some people find repeatedly tapping on part of their body soothing.
- Kind imagery. For example, a big cuddly grizzly bear giving you a hug.
- Kind deeds for yourself. Although many see drinking alcohol or eating sugary food as kind deeds, in the long-term these are not kind for your body, so let’s think outside the box here. What can you do that would feel like you are treating yourself well? Examples may be cooking a nutritious meal, going for a walk in nature, engaging in a hobby (especially if you are likely to become absorbed in it).
A Word of Caution
Sometimes the process of being compassionate towards yourself can bring up more and more difficult thoughts and feelings; this means that what are doing is working. When you experience difficult emotions, practice the mindfulness activity dropping anchor, described in a separate article.
Self-Compassion for Children and Young People
Self-compassion helps children deal with difficulties such as failures and mistakes in a healthy way. Self-compassion helps to increase happiness, self-esteem and resilience. The child will also be more likely to try something again if it didn’t work out the first time. Self-compassion also helps to protect the child from developing depression or anxiety. Higher levels of self-compassion have been found to be associated with less mental health difficulties among high school students and adolescents who had experienced difficult life circumstances (Muris, 2015).
Some children and young people may find it difficult to recognise their thoughts and the feelings. As adults, we can look out for any unkind comments that our children make towards themselves, then draw their attention to them, explain those thoughts are a normal part of being human and ask the young person what they think they could do for themselves that is kind (maybe put a list of options together with him/her). We can also support them to develop some basic mindfulness skills. Most importantly, model being self-compassionate to a child; they learn from you!
You can also build a relationship with a child that supports the development of self-compassion by:
- Spending time with them, this tells them they are important,
- Demonstrating it is ok to experience negative feelings (e.g. if they scrunch up a drawing that didn’t work out say ‘I can see you feel upset, that’s ok, sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to’).
- Forgiving them (e.g. they dropped an ornament, say ‘I feel sad about the ornament but it’s ok, accidents happen’).
- Demonstrating kindness (e.g. give the child a night off helping with the washing up if they have had a particularly difficult day at school).
- Praising the child when they show self-compassion and encourage them to say kind things about themselves (e.g. ‘I’ve done my best’, ‘I don’t have to be perfect’, ‘everyone makes mistakes’).
Hopefully this article has shed some light on the importance of human beings being kind to themselves. What will be the first thing you will do to increase the compassion you give to yourself? And what will be the first thing you will do to encourage the children in your class to use self-compassion?
Produced by Dr Victoria Tyrer-Davies, Principal Educational Psychologist, Flying Colours Educational Psychology Service Ltd © All rights reserved.
References
Ferrari,M., Hunt,C., Harrysunker,A., Abbott.M.J., Beath,A.P., & Einstein,D.A. (2019). Self-Compassion Interventions and Psychosocial Outcomes: a meta-analysis of RCTs. Mindfulness, 10, 1455-1473. doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01134-6
Harris,R. (Producer). (2020). Self-compassion: building blocks and barriers
. https://contextualconsulting.co.uk/watch-recording?id=1907
Miyagawa,Y., Niiya,Y., & Taniguchi,J. (2019). When life give you lemons, make lemonade, Self-compassion increases adaptive beliefs about failure. Journal of happiness studies. doi/org/10.1007/s10902-019-00172-0
Muirs, P. (2015). A protective factor against mental health problems in youths? A critical note on the assessment of self-compassion. Journal of child and family studies, 25, 1461-1465.doi.org/10.1007/s10826-015-0315-3
Neff, K.D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2 (3), 223-250. doi.org/10.1080/15298860309027
Valdez,C.E., & Lilly, M.E. (2015). Self-compassion and trauma processing outcomes among victims of violence. Mindfulness, 7, 329-339. doi.org/10.1007/s12671-015-0442-3